Dear Lady A: Arrested development

DEAR LADY A: What is your policy on getting hot and heavy in the car? I think it’s kind of lame. I’m a middle-aged man and I’m married and my husband thinks it might spice things up. I think it’s kid’s stuff to sit in a car at Inspiration Point and grope. But he seems so eager. What do you think?

— Foggy Windows

DEAR FOGGY: If it’s a safe area, I think groping at Inspiration Point is absolutely harmless. Yes, it’s what desperate teenagers do when they don’t have a place of their own, but that’s exactly why your husband finds it so electrifying. It reminds him of a time in his life when sexuality was clumsy and new, and yes, a little immature and reckless. Hands under clothes, awkward positions and the magnified breathy timbre of your man trying not to come too fast can be way hotter than the most seasoned, smooth kama sutra moves if you’ve got one ear listening for the sounds of another car approaching. You’re married, not dead, sir! At least once, give your eager husband what he wants. Maybe it won’t be as lame as you think. And even if it does feel lame, now he’ll owe you a fantasy. You can finally pull out the leather chaps and riding crop you’ve been dying to try.

DEAR LADY A: I know we all have our annoying quirks, but my new girlfriend insists on keeping her moth-eaten childhood teddy bear on the bed with us at all times. She says it’s the only way she can sleep at night, but I think it’s creepy and it kind of smells bad. My girlfriend has some other childish qualities, like she has little tantrums sometimes. I have to pretty much mother her until she calms down. But the stuffed animal part is the worst because it’s just always there in my way. We’re both grown women in our 20s (I am six years older and a bit of a “mommy dyke”), but I’m wondering if she’s in some sort of arrested development and whether it’s worth fighting, and suffering through a temper tantrum, over.

— Tired of Teddy

DEAR TT: I see your point. You’re a lesbian. The last thing you want in your bed is a bear! But I’m far more concerned about your lady’s childish behavior than her smelly teddy. Bathing her in warmth and attention is fine if she’s had a shitty day or if you want to be romantic, but you should never reward her temper tantrums. When she starts to rage or act bratty and entitled, that’s your cue to calmly get your things and leave the house for a while. You’re an adult with your own problems, and it is simply not your job to get her under control like she’s some magician’s mauling tiger and you’re a tranquilizer dart. As for your habit of mothering her in general, hey, who am I to stop you if you’re into that kind of thing? But let me remind you, a real mommy dyke would probably attempt an intervention on a grown-ass woman who still requires a security blanket (or in her case, security bear) to get to sleep at night. At the very least she’d steal that squalid toy and throw it into a washing machine. It should take at least one full night for the shabby creature to dry. Perhaps you could take that time to remind your woman that there’s more than one kind of toy she can bring to bed. And you can both get pleasure from the grown-up kind.

What do you think?

About Lady A

Lady A is a relationship and sex columnist for OpusChicago. Her blog is dearladya.com. Have a question? Send it to dearladya@gmail.com or tweet @dearladya.